If a guy is an office assistant, a tea boy, a secretary, or even a junior employee and he behaves with modesty, it isn't such a special character trait. I mean, if you are at the bottom of the pyramid in your company it's expected that you would behave in a modest manner. Yeah ok it's a nice quality or character trait, but it's expected as well.
But where modesty really counts, where it can turn a man from someone mediocre to someone admirable, is when modesty still exists when he's higher up in the ladder. That's when it’s most necessary that you’re modest.
Sadly, I think some people are allowed to rise in their career too fast and it really imbalances their personalities. Instead of seeing it as an opportunity to actually behave like the bigger person they start flexing their muscles at work, using unnecessary threats and a bullying attitude against people they know don’t have the means to defend themselves.
Sometimes you hear things like "ilriyayeel 3imyaan" or "ilriyayeel moo kafoo" etc. Now I don’t really want to be the girl who defends the boys. What with hearing a number of stories of extramarital affairs, emotional abuse, stinginess, oppressive behavior, callousness, tidiggir and what seems to be the most common problem, neglect, all committed by husbands towards their wives, it’s hard to be the girl to stand up for men.
But come on! All of them? All men are dogs?
I just don’t buy that.
Married girls tend to dampen single girls’ expectations when it comes to marriage. That might be good advice, to let girls have more reasonable expectations. Still, it seems to me that some single girls go the other extreme and get very bitter about men. The problem with that is not only that it hurts to walk around with this black cloud – believing that men are monsters probably leads to a lack of belief in the potential for love and a happy marriage, and that’s no way to live – but also, that it shows when a girl is bitter. I think bitter girls send the wrong vibe to men around them so that even if the man doesn’t know that it’s bitterness he’s sensing he’ll feel there’s something there – a bad energy, a harshness, cold – coming from the girl. I think it’s very off-putting.
But worse than it being off-putting, it’s unfair. And it could push away potential suitors that really don’t deserve the bad rap.
Having said that, I’m at a loss for advice about how a girl can put away those dark preconceptions. There’s no on and off switch for how a person feels. (Wouldn’t that be one hell of an invention though?) What’s a bitter girl supposed to do? Put up an act?
But I think this is where faith could play a big role. Faith in God. I think we should be able to trust in people, not because they’re definitely trustworthy, they may be deceitful and cruel, but if you trust in God then you’ll feel that if they disappoint you God will pull you through so that you navigate those murky waters and come out intact. I think that’s part of what it means when people say “tiwakilay 3ala Alla”. It’s not easy and I think it takes a lot of work, relentless work, day in day out. But if there really is that feeling, that whatever happens I’ve got God to ask for relief and mercy, then it should be easier to relax and let go of the bitterness and pessimism.All of us can have these bad feelings sometimes. It's good to remind ourselves and each other that the source of all good still exists.
Sara: I loved your presentation! I wish you’d add a couple of slides explaining the issue a little more though. I know research is hard to find but it would make it even better than it already is.
Mai: thank you Sara you always give me positive reinforcement. PowerPoint is amazing. Don’t worry about the difficulties you can use it to create presentations as well and even be good at it!
(End Conversation.)
The above conversations display two different interactions, both problematic. Can you guys see where the communication lapses occur? Well the first one I suppose is hyperbolic to the point of being comedic but I think it gets the point across pretty well. It’s definitely the way I feel things go when I have certain conversations. The communication problem in the second dialogue is a little more nuanced, but it’s a a difficulty I face in some discussions as well. I really believe that some people are especially skilled at selective listening. Well they’re either selective listeners or they’re ignoring your message on purpose. That can be part the problem. Sometimes it’s not that though, sometimes it’s that they’re not really listening to you so they go off on tangents instead of addressing the core issue which would have been a lot more meaningful.
I understand that people have different styles of communication, different learning methods, etc. I also understand that most of the time people are not actually trying to exasperate you and they really may have the best intentions in mind. The problem is, I love having analytical conversations after which I walk out feeling more knowledgeable and enriched and thoughtful. I love it when I talk to someone who gets me to see various angles of an issue and offers me a fresh perspective on it. I love it when someone manages to convince me of something I wasn’t sure of in the past. I actually think that a really good conversation is one of the greatest pleasures life offers us.
So when I have conversations that are lacking, such as the dialogues I wrote above, I can’t help but feel let down by the person to whom I’m speaking. Worse yet, it just tires me.
What do you do when you have conversations like this where someone is focusing on one aspect instead of addressing the more important point? Do you keep trying to explain? Or do you give up on the person and just drop it and decide not to try having a profound conversation with this person again?
